WASHINGTON, D.C. April 1, 2017 – Early Saturday morning the Trump Administration released information about the latest employee dismissals held over from the Obama administration and those on the chopping block? The cabin crew on-board Air Force One.
In an off-camera press gaggle Sean Spicer provided information about the new appointees and stated “the previous crewmembers were released from duty, handed over their wings and were told to deadhead home.” Spicer also mentioned that the administration, thoughnot usually appreciative of tenure and experience, had requested the new crewmembers be seasoned
Arriving at Joint Base Andrews shortly after the press gathering was four new crewmembers selected to plate and serve KFC with flatware.
Gailen David, a former 25 year flight attendant, has a strange history with the President. During one of President Trump’s last visits to Russia, Putin had planned to provide the Cheeto in Chief with a copy of the movie “The Iron Lady” for viewing in his downtime, but instead mistakenly provided him with Gailen’s airline-version “The Aluminum Lady.” Trump was enchanted by the presence of penguins and phoned Gailen to serve his administration bigly. Gailen declined and was swiftly captured by secret service and brought to Air Force One.
Bobby Laurie, a former 10 year flight attendant, was asked to join the cabin crew on TrumpForce One after President Trump saw an appearance of Bobby’s on the cable news network, HLN. Trump, being an avid cable news watcher, saw the former flight attendant commenting and offering analysis on recent aviation news and first offered Laurie the position of Federal Aviation Chief. Trump believed he was the most qualified for the job, in fact, he was the most qualified candidate the country had ever seen. People would get tired of seeing how qualified he was. And after Laurie passed on the assignment citing he was in fact unqualified and couldn’t believe no one saw that, he was hurried away to Joint Base Andrews against his will to serve on the aircraft.
Shawn Kathleen, a former 10 year flight attendant as well and made famous for creating the instagram account “Passenger Shaming,” was selected by Trump to join the cabin staff because he believed the Instagram account was created to make airline travel great again by shaming others, something Trump himself enjoys doing. However, he wasn’t amused when the feed published a photo of his KFC food packaging scattered across the aircraft floor. Aside from that, President Trump’s belly laughs at Kathleen’s witty comments and name calling, some of which he stole and used against his opponents prompted the President to offer Kathleen a position. However, Shawn Kathleen declined the appointment, but was quickly captured by former KGB agents and when her hood was removed, found herself on Air Force One.
Minnie Jackson, though she never served as a flight attendant she did work as a maid for over a decade and the President believed she’d make a great addition to the on-board cleaning staff. President Trump added Jackson to the team after watching the movie “The Help” and seeing how delicious her chocolate pie looked. He called DreamWorks Studios to track down Ms. Jackson, and was transferred to Octavia Spencer who gave up trying to explain that the character was fictitious. The President offered Jackson (Spencer) the position so long as pie was always available on Air Force One. She quickly accepted the position, offered to assist with all food prep and flew herself to training at Andrews.
The first departure with the the new cabin staff is scheduled for this afternoon, April 1, 2017 to Mar-a-Lago. If you haven’t realized, today is April Fools’ Day and this story really is fake news.